Maternity leave is only days away and yet, I’m a rollercoaster of emotions. Most days, I’m excited. I can’t wait to meet our sweet baby girl and see who she looks like. I can’t wait to watch her little heart grow into a beautiful wild child. And then other days, I’m hit so hard by anxiety of what’s going on in the world that I just want to keep her safe inside me forever.

During our infertility journey, I envisioned what it would be like to be pregnant. I envisioned what it would be like to be days away from welcoming our bundle of joy into the world—but, I never imagined this would be our reality.

I never imagined the world would be going through a global pandemic from a virus that we know very little about. Especially when it comes to pregnant women and their babies. I never imagined all the restrictions that would be going into place or the risk our medical professionals are undergoing on a daily basis. I never imagined any of this.

I know everyone is affected by Coronavirus.

And for that, I’m even more grateful for the number of friends and family who have reached out sending prayers our way and asking how WE are doing as we get closer to baby girl’s due date.

What sounds like a simple question turns out to be a very complicated one to answer.

I’m struggling. But also, I’m finding the beauty in how the world is slowing down. Together.

This global pandemic is something that will be imprinted in our lives forever. It’s part of our birth story. Part of the story we will share with our children and grandbabies as we sit around a campfire roasting marshmallows.

It’s a story I never in my wildest dreams thought would be part of our story. But it is. 

So how am I REALLY doing?

Goodness that question has been so hard for me to face. I’ve actually wanted to share my thoughts and feelings more openly the past few weeks but I honestly couldn’t find the words to go with my emotions. [Which if you know me, that NEVER happens…]

Some days it feels like our new reality is a terrible written movie. At our 36-week appointment everything was perfectly normal. Our doctor checked baby girl’s heartbeat, felt that she was facing properly, and excitedly got us all ready for what to expect in the weeks ahead. 

Tyler and I left that appointment holding hands and headed on a lunch date to celebrate that we were so close to her arrival. 

But the very next day, everything changed.

Our World Shut Down Thanks to the Coronavirus

The NBA suspended its season due to a player being diagnosed with the Coronavirus. The NCAA Conference Tournaments and March Madness continued forward with NO spectators. By Friday of that week, all of March Madness, including High School basketball was completely cancelled leaving seniors everywhere devastated to have their seasons end in this way.

At first, I thought everyone was overreacting. I couldn’t understand how a virus (which seemed to be so similar to the flu) could be shutting down billion dollar industries and ending sweet memories for so many seniors.

Shortly after, schools closed immediately. Grocery store shelves became eerily empty. People began fighting over toilet paper like we were in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, and Amazon was completely out of stock of a lot of household essentials. [I NEVER thought I’d see a day where Amazon ran out of essential supplies.] Businesses began to close their doors. Neighbors were getting laid off from their jobs. And the hustle-and-bustle life as we knew it changed in what seemed to be overnight.

States went into lockdowns to help flatten the curve and slow down the spread. And that’s when it all began to feel a little bit more real.

That was when I realized this was not an overreaction. This was a global pandemic affecting EVERYONE.

THE CHANGES WE FACED AT 37 WEEKS

By our 37-week appointment I had so many questions about the spread of Coronavirus and how it impacted pregnancy and our sweet baby girl. A million questions swirled in my mind about what this means for the remaining weeks of our pregnancy, who would be able to meet our sweet baby girl when she makes her arrival, and above all else constant prayers that she stays healthy and safe. 

That day, we walked into what felt like an eerie ghost town doctor’s office. I didn’t want to touch anything. Heck, I barely felt like I could talk above a whisper as if this virus could transmit itself into my body through the simple act of hearing my voice.

As we quietly walked back to our room, the nurse did everything she could to encourage us. [Bless her sweet soul.] She shared about how devastated she was that her Elton John concert was cancelled. [There went checking that off her bucket list.] We did our best to exchange a few laughs here and there to lighten the mood, but in reality we all sat in a constant state of unknown.

Our doctor made her way into our room with a mask over her face and a disheartened look in her eyes. She lathered her hands in sanitizer and sat 6-feet away as she shared all she knew about the Coronavirus and pregnancy—which wasn’t much.

My doctor didn’t even touch me that day. I left that appointment unsure if baby girl was facing the right way or if the dilation process began. We left with so many unknowns and my heart ached.

My heart ached for our doctor having to have that conversation with so many others.

My heart ached for us.

And my heart ached for every mama going through a similar experience.

It aches for first time mamas who don’t get to have their full support system at the hospital.

It aches for grandparents who don’t get to meet their grandbaby in person for who knows how long.

It aches for the husbands who may not be able to be in the delivery room due to heightened hospital restrictions as the days progress.

Simply put, my heart just aches from all these unknowns.

Because this is not the birth story we thought it would be. This is not the experience I envisioned when we longed to have a baby of our own. This is not the world I want to bring my first child into.

THE BEAUTY IN THE CHAOS

Yet through it all, there is so much beauty in how quickly our world has had to slow down.

Tyler and I decided to do a self quarantine for 14 days to ensure he could be in the delivery room to watch his sweet baby girl enter the world. We are only leaving the house for our daily walks with Lambeau and our 39-week appointment.

Luckily, I work from home so my day-to-day hasn’t changed much except for the fact that Tyler is now working from home, too. We are beyond blessed and grateful for jobs that allow us to continue to work during a time like these when we know of so many friends and family who are struggling financially to get through this.

I can honestly say, these past few days home with our furbabies have been some of the most precious moments in our marriage.

We are getting to spend time together before our life completely changes forever! And there is so much beauty in that. We now have time to do things together we never found time to do before. We put a puzzle together. Completely reorganized and cleaned every room in our house. Heck, we even spent time in silence together on our front porch while it rained and it was the most peaceful and refreshing moment.

I’ve always been a big advocate for living a slower life. But something powerful is happening here. This virus is forcing the entire world to slow down and there is so much beauty in that. We see families without a dog going on walks together. Sidewalk chalk art that brings hope and a smile to your face. Time feels longer and our home feels even more special.

Because here, we are safe.

Together, we are safe. 

So back to that question, how am I REALLY doing?

I’m learning to check in with myself every day.

Some days I’m only feeling gratitude.

Other days I feel a lot of anxiety.

But I’m allowing myself to feel all the feelings.

I’m allowing myself to experience this reality with every emotion.

I’m voicing my fears with my husband so he can speak courage and truth into me. 

And I’m praying every single day that God has this under control. That He will protect our sweet baby girl and allow Tyler to be in the delivery room to experience our miracle baby.

I pray that He can give our parents strength + patience as they may not get to meet her right away. And I pray for a heart that can see the blessings amidst all this chaos.

Praying for every mama out there going through all these feelings, too. You are strong. You are brave. And you are beautiful.

A SHOUTOUT TO KINDNESS

I also want to take a quick second to say thank you to a sweet sweet friend of mine, Liz Jirschele. She was able to capture this crazy, but beautiful moment in our life so perfectly and I can’t thank her enough. These photos will be ones we get to pass around the campfire in years to come as we reminisce on this movie-like reality.

This story is by far one we will never forget.

And I know it’s not over, either. More to come in the days and weeks ahead.

Keep on keeping on, love. 

We can do this!